I’ve been sober for a long time, and every once in a while a thought about drinking can still cross my mind. Sometimes the way that thought enters my consciousness is so subtle that it barely sounds like a drinking thought at all.
I might see a new flavor of something or a brand I’ve never seen before and think, I haven’t tried that flavor or I’ve never had that brand.
I’m not standing there thinking, I want to drink. It can start as nothing more than curiosity. But alcohol has entered the conversation in my head, and I’ve learned to pay attention to what I do next.
Thankfully, I haven’t had the experience in sobriety where I’ve thought, I’m going to drink, and I’m afraid I can’t stop myself. I’ve known other alcoholics who have been in that position, but that hasn’t been my experience.
I’m an imperfect human being, and I’m an alcoholic. I don’t think I’m responsible for every thought that enters my head. But I am damn sure responsible for what I do with that thought.
That distinction matters to me because a passing thought and an obsession aren’t the same thing.
A Thought Can Become Something More
Today, I don’t experience the physical craving for alcohol that I experienced when alcohol was in my body. What I can still experience are those occasional thoughts. Seeing a new flavor and thinking I haven’t tried that doesn’t mean I’m about to relapse, and I don’t think I need to panic because alcohol crossed my mind.
But I also don’t want to get careless with it. There’s a difference between noticing the thought and inviting it to sit down and stay awhile.
There was a period in my sobriety when I was slowly pulling away from AA. I was going to fewer meetings. I had a sponsor, but I wasn’t calling him. I wasn’t as connected to other alcoholics as I had been. I’ve written about some of those changes in What Are the Warning Signs I’m Heading Toward Relapse?.
During that period, I occasionally had thoughts about drinking that went beyond simple curiosity. I had been sober for a long time. Things were different now. Nobody would have to know.
And for me, it usually wasn’t, I’ll just have one. I knew myself better than that. It was more like, A couple or a few aren’t going to destroy anything.
Today, I see that as my alcoholism trying to weasel its way back into my thoughts. The dangerous part is that the argument is happening inside the same head that came up with the idea in the first place. If I keep the entire conversation to myself, I can become pretty convincing.
That’s why I’ve learned I need to get the thought out of my head.
I Have to Tell on Myself
When a thought starts turning into a mental obsession, I have to tell on myself. That’s true for thoughts about drinking, but I’ve found it to be true in plenty of other areas of my life too. I can sit alone with something and turn it over and over in my head until it becomes much bigger than where it started.
The minute I tell somebody what’s going on, it feels like the obsession loses half its grip on me. Tell somebody else, and it gets cut in half again. I don’t mean those percentages literally. That’s simply the best way I know to describe what happens to me. Something changes when the thought isn’t mine alone anymore.
Today, that might mean calling my sponsor, sharing what’s going on in a meeting, calling another alcoholic, or talking with a friend after a meeting. Sometimes I’ll call another alcoholic and simply ask how they’re doing. I don’t have to spend the entire conversation talking about myself. Getting outside of myself and seeing whether I can help somebody else has been an important part of my recovery too.
The important thing for me is that I stop trying to manage the thought entirely inside my own head. And while I’m doing all of that, I’m praying.
Prayer Is My First Action, Not My Last Resort
Prayer isn’t what I turn to after my sponsor doesn’t answer and everything else has failed. It’s where I start, and I continue praying while I take the other actions I know to take.
I believe my Higher Power often speaks to me through other people. That’s one of the reasons I reach out. Sometimes the answer I need comes through the person who picks up the phone or through something somebody says in a meeting.
But I know there are plenty of people who don’t pray. Maybe you don’t believe in God or a Higher Power. Maybe you’ve prayed before and don’t think anybody was listening. Maybe you’re angry because you asked for help and didn’t get the answer you wanted. Or maybe you simply don’t know what you believe.
I’m not going to try to prove God exists or tell you that you have to believe what I believe. I can only tell you what has worked for me.
If you’re thinking about drinking, nobody is answering the phone, there isn’t a meeting you can get to, and you’re alone with that thought, what do you have to lose by trying again? Ask for the thought to be removed. Ask for help getting through the next few minutes. You don’t have to have everything figured out before you ask for help.
Don’t give up before the miracle of belief happens.
There have been times when I couldn’t reach somebody or get where I needed to go, and prayer has saved my ass. During the period when I had pulled away from AA, even my prayer had decreased, but I never completely stopped. When I look back at why I didn’t drink during those years, I don’t take credit for it. I believe God didn’t want me to drink.
So if it’s two in the morning, nobody is answering, there’s nowhere for me to go, and that thought is getting louder, I’m not turning to prayer because I’ve run out of other options. I’ve been praying all along. Now I better pray harder.
What If I’m Afraid I’m Actually Going to Drink?
This is where I have to separate my personal experience from what I’ve seen happen to other people. Thankfully, during my sobriety I haven’t reached the point where I believed I was actually about to drink.
If another alcoholic called me and said they were thinking about drinking and were scared they might actually do it, the first thing I’d do is talk to them. I’d want to know what’s going on in their life, how long they’ve been sober, what they’ve been doing for their sobriety, whether they have a sponsor, whether they’ve talked to that sponsor, and whether they’ve told anybody else what’s going on.
Sometimes people just need an understanding ear to get past the obsession they’re having. Other times, more action is needed.
If they lived close enough, I might offer to meet them at a meeting or get coffee or something to eat. If somebody genuinely believes they might drink, I’m talking about now, not tomorrow, whenever that’s possible. If they have a sponsor, I’m going to strongly suggest they call them. I’d encourage them to pray, talk to other alcoholics, and get around people instead of sitting alone with the obsession.
There isn’t one perfect answer because I’d want to understand where that person actually is before I started telling them what to do. But I wouldn’t want them handling it alone.
I’m Responsible for What I Do Next
Being sober for a long time hasn’t made me immune to an occasional thought about drinking. I don’t think having the thought means I’ve failed at sobriety, but I also don’t think it’s something I should casually entertain.
For me, the difference is what happens next. Does I haven’t tried that flavor pass through my head and leave? Or do I start giving it room? Do I start thinking about what it would taste like, whether anybody would know, how long I’ve been sober, or why a couple of drinks probably wouldn’t hurt anything?
I’ve learned that a thought can become an argument, and an argument can become an obsession. If I leave it alone inside my own head, my own thinking can become pretty convincing.
That’s why I pray and tell on myself. I call my sponsor or another alcoholic. I get around people. Sometimes I get outside myself and see if I can help somebody else. I do something with the thought instead of giving it room to grow.
I may not be responsible for the thought showing up.
I am responsible for what I do next.
I don’t have to be ashamed that the thought came into my head. But I better respect it enough to do something about it.
Related Video
This video goes deeper into the difference between a physical craving and the mental obsession with alcohol, along with the actions that have helped me when drinking thoughts start getting too much room in my head.
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